Originally posted March, 2007
Yes, this is satire. And VERY crude satire at that. If you find crude humor to be offensive, don't read this post.
Aug 28, 5:45 PM (ET)
By Ganeesh Babaganootz
Charlotte, NC (Caveman News Service) - In a tearful public admission, Democratic Presidential candidate John Edwards admitted to a childhood filled with psychological abuse. "I was never really accepted by my father" Edwards stated. "It was my mother, June, that always had to come to my defense. My father always wanted me to be butch... just like my brother, Wally. I just couldn't take the pressure."
A noticeably shaken John Edwards publicly faces the ghosts of his past. "Girls have always seemed creepy to me, always messing with lipstick and hairspray and all that other junk".
According to exasperated father, Ward Edwards, "yeah, his damn mother was always coming to his defense. She turned him into a little sissy. I told that woman that one day he would turn into a damn Nancy Boy. Why I let him get away with so much crap is beyond me. I should have my friggin' head examined."
Elder brother, Wally, adds "whenever no one was looking, I always pounded the crap out of him. I was just so damn sick of him always nodding his head up and down and saying 'oh, sure mom'. What a little ass kisser." The elder Edwards sibling added "and it was just so damn weird the way he had a 'thing' for JFK. I sometimes caught him dressing up like Jackie. What a freak."
The elder Edwards went on to say "as a young boy, John was always caught spanking his monkey. Mom never did a damn thing except bug the crap outta dad... always wanting his to "check on the Beaver." Night after night after night. Is it any wonder why I hate the little creep?
According to noted psychiatrist, Dr. Vinnie Boombatz, an adolescent male who experiences a childhood such as Edwards, very well may find himself later in life to be drawn to an older authority figure male role model. Especially one who would always publicly praise him for actually doing very little, and would frequently caress his face, arms and ass.
Dr. Boombatz added that a certain Eddie Haskell, family friend/childhood tormentor, also added to the psychological carnage. It was revealed that Haskell would often perpetuate the 'Love/Hate' syndrome. Young John would often see Haskell greet Mrs. Edwards with a "what a lovely dress you are wearing today, Mrs. Edwards". But as soon as Mrs. Edwards left the room, Haskell would give John a noogie followed by an wicked bad Indian burn. And then Haskell would finish with his signature 'heh, heh, heh' laugh.
According to Dr. Boombatz "the constant contradiction of love, then hate, then amusement... it was all too much for the fragile and sensitive psyche of the young Edwards to handle"
According to Haskell, "hey Sam, the squirt had it comin'. Him giving me the business and all".