Friday, April 10, 2009

Obama Appoints Guilt Czar To Oversee Fair Distribution Of Guilt Among All Americans
Stolen from

Now that the properly conditioned guilt-ridden voters have elected the first Certified-Oppressed-Minority™ president, America has officially entered a new Guilted Age. The Guilted Age is similar to the Gilded Age, only instead of being motivated by the acquisition of gold, the nation is motivated by the distribution of Guilt™.

A guilty electorate is a less demanding electorate: beggars are not choosers. Collective remorse makes the masses more malleable. Workers toil harder for less pay and donate surpluses to progressive causes within the hope that it would offset their culpability for having the wrong color, ethnicity, religion, zip code, profession, hobbies, vehicles, grocery bags, communing and shopping patterns, taste in food, living standard higher than in Zimbabwe, and exhaling the CO2 while breathing.

~ The pursuit of happiness in the Guilted Age becomes to mean this: the stronger your guilt, the happier you are to give your stuff to us. We call it Sharing™.

We don't believe in chance, that's why we are disposing of capitalism. We can't leave Guilt™ to chance either - it is a fickle sentiment and, therefore, it must be systematically reinforced and replenished. In order to support a massive guilt-fueled American economy, both Guilt™ and Sharing™ must be institutionalized and managed in a planned, scientific manner from a central location by experienced professionals.

Guilt czar is to be selected from among the best professional guilt trippers on the raster of Socialist International, to oversee the proper distribution of Guilt™ among all Americans in accordance with assigned quotas (see diagram below). Guilt czar will steer and support the transition from Conspicuous Consumption™ of the Gilded Age to Conspicuous Compassion™ of the Guilted Age, as mandated by government edict.

To this end scientists at Karl Marx Treatment Center developed the following Progressive Guilt Quiz. It is to be taken by all Americans at the start of each fiscal year, to estimate their position in the Guilt™ hierarchy. The level of Guilt™ they are required to feel is directly proportional to the money they are required to Share™ with the Party and its organs in order to receive their annual Guilt™ Offsets.

Click here to take Progressive Guilt Quiz

By the way, I scored a 575.

+551 to +800 G-points = Non-person

You and your life's work are barred from being mentioned in media publications. Ineligible for re-education. After the Revolution subject to Revolutionary Tribunal Che Guevara style (shot in the head without trial). Everyone you ever came in contact with has been contaminated and is therefore also guilty. We will find them, too. You are all incorrigible corporate war-mongering Zionist terrorists; the people will continue to resist your capitalist attacks by any and all means.


Blogger Fr. Erik Richtsteig said...

635 Comrade.

9:14 AM  
Blogger Al said...

500. But I think a couple of the point values were to low. Only 15 for my paisan Cristofero Columbo. Given the way they claim he helped rape America I expected that to be higher. I also think the Dem donation question shold have had a different catagory for 0 or less.

7:19 AM  
Blogger Joe of St. Thérèse said...


12:01 PM  
Blogger chestertonian said...

Beatcha, you commie Caveman -- 625 points. I scored low on "who do I most admire" because I put Clarence Thomas, who was only +20 points. However, I was able to proudly click on "5-gallon" for the size of my toilet tank.

I was disappointed that, in the flag question, "Vatican City-State flag" was not one of the answers. I actually do have one and proudly flew it during the Interregnum back in '05.

5:44 PM  
Blogger Greta said...

630. However, they were missing some things. One obvious one that would have driven my off the charts was instead of simply Christian, Orthodox Catholic...

11:13 PM  
Blogger Arkanabar T'verrick Ilarsadin said...

You know, they need it to be checkboxes instead of radio buttons. Since I was prevented from choosing all of the things I do, I was robbed of a great many points. If I could have used checkboxes, my score would be 585, not a mere 495.

I probably lost quite a bit for admiring Thomas Jefferson more than W. But I can't much admire a man who helped socialize medicine with the medicare prescription drug benefit. I do admire Ronnie, just not as much as Thomas Jefferson.

Would that Thomas Paine had been on the list.

2:48 PM  
Blogger paramedicgirl said...

Wow - this Canadaian only scored 390, but I had to improvise some answers that were aimed at Americans only.

7:16 PM  

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