Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Clocks Aren't The Only Thing Cuckoo In Switzerland
You just can't make this stuff up

I wish this was just a parody and I made the whole thing up. Really I do.

Some of the article from Life Site News; (Emphasis and comments mine) Swiss Grant Rights to Animals, Consider Same for Plants - Liberalize Abortion Laws
By Michael Baggot

SWITZERLAND, April 28, 2008 (LifeSiteNews.com) - The nation that liberalized its abortion laws in 2002 is now giving unprecedented protection to animal and plant life.

In an effort to respect the needs of "social species," the Swiss parliament passed legislation last week that threatens its citizens with punishment for not providing various animals a fit environment in which they can interact and flourish.

Enjoying the most extensive protection under the new laws, dogs proved to be the Swiss parliament's best friend. Prospective dog owners will now be required to complete a course in canine treatment that will include both theoretical and practical elements. (Is this where I sign up for Scooping Up Dog Shit 101?)

Due to concern over recent studies suggesting the pain experienced by fish, anglers are now subjected to a preparatory course on humane fishing. (I guess dynamite and grenades are out of the question.)

The new laws will also dictate how farmers treat their livestock and even stipulates the proper treatment of rhinoceroses. (Welcome To Switzerland. Home to really cool Army knives, excellent chocolate, the stupidest parliament on the face of the earth, and the ever-so-elusive Alpine Rhinoceros.)

"The aim is not only to ensure treatment of animals appropriate to each species, but also to decrease the risk of attacks by dangerous dogs. Inappropriate treatment could lead to behavioural disorders," explained Hans Wyss, head of the Swiss Federal Veterinary Office. (That's the answer... legislate dogs into submission.)

In addition to tending to the animal kingdom, the Swiss government has also been busy wrestling with how best to treat the nation's plants.

The Swiss federal government's ethics committee on non-human biotechnology has been working to determine what kind of research respects "plant dignity" enough to be eligible for government funding. (So saith Swiss politicians as they signed the bill into law while seated behind oak desks.)

"Plant dignity" considerations stem from the 2004 Gene Technology Law's requirement to take "the dignity of creatures" into account during any research. (Plant... "dignity"? Does that mean some plants are gay?)

Researchers are eagerly awaiting clarity on the notion of "plant dignity", (Chaaaa....) which will decide whether or not they receive important funding to continue their work. (CHING!!! I smell government grant money!)

"At the moment not even authorities who decide on grants (TOLD YA!!) know what the 'dignity of plants' really means," committee member Markus Schefer said. (Probably because this entire subject is one of the stupidest f*****g things I've ever read.)

The committee has outlined guidelines to protect plant dignity, but the licitness of many particular practices is yet to be determined. (Translation: had more money thrown at it.)

Most committee members consider interference with a plant's reproductive functions undignified, making some plant geneticists concerned that the committee could greatly hinder traditionally accepted genetic engineering, such as commercial seedless fruits or the hybridization of roses. (And just who in the hell are these committee members to deem if any given plant's reproductive function is dignified or not? Whatever two consenting plants do in the privacy of their own hot house is their business. If two plants so desire to have a pistil duel, that's up to them. It's not like they can't reproduce or anything like that.... is it?)

The added protections afforded to plant and animal life stand in sharp contrast to the Swiss government's recent disregard for the life of the nation's unborn. In June 2002, the country decided to allow women to abort their children during the first trimester, provided a doctor determines that she is in an ambiguously defined "state of distress." (And in Switzerland, the phrase "Oh shit, I'm pregnant!" qualifies as "distress".)
In a related story, a certain Mr. Leo D. Lion was apprehended for first degree murder charges.

Mr. Lion has long been suspected to being the leader of a serial murder criminal enterprise known on the streets at the "Top 'O The Food Chain Gang".

In a statement issued by Lion's criminal defense attorney, Willie B. Aweasle, Lion stated "Son-of-a-bitch!! What's a guy gotta do to get a freakin' meal around here!?"

5 Comments:

Blogger Vir Speluncae Orthodoxae said...

I think the kool aid got in the cheese.

11:34 AM  
Blogger Christine said...

I posted about the same thing... isn't it just insanity? :)

5:45 PM  
Blogger Hail3N1 said...

Yum...Is that a Liberal carcass I see? One way to get rid of em.

9:46 AM  
Blogger DigiHairshirt said...

Kevin,

I note, with a sense of smugness, that the names listed in the article are Schweizer-Deutsch, and NOT Suisse Romande or Svizzeri.

I have had a long-term "love/hate" relationship with Siwtzerland ever since I lived there 1989 to 1991. I will state, based on my own observations, that the majority population - that is, the Swiss-German - are the ones pushing through whatever legislation they wnat, regardless of what the Swiss-French or Swiss-Italians want (and the feelings are not brotherly - as one Swiss-Italian from the canton of Ticino told me, he was forced to learn German in school and made sure he avoided all occasions to speak it thereafter, as much as he could).

I believe two hypotheses are valid as to why such legislation would be passed:

(1) Inbreeding of the legislators. Surrounded as they are by alpine peaks, new blood simply cannot make its way in and any that does is immediately suspect, as the Swiss are some of the biggest xenophobes I have ever met.

(2) Trolls come down out of the mountains to mate with the women.

Excuse me now while I pet my dogs that thankfully remain, here in Santa Ana, my CHATTEL. Very well tended chattel, but chattel nonetheless.

11:38 AM  
Blogger LarryD said...

I posted about this too, and I have an idea on who will be asked to investigate future crimes against planthood.

10:51 PM  

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