Delve Into The Mind Of Mr. Norv S. Hordo
And his first ever Traditional Latin Mass

I'M SO EXCITED!! I just heard that they're having something called a "Traditional Latino Mass" at St. Peter's, so I'm driving there now. I sure hope they have a Mariachi Band!

OK, I've driven all the way here and I'm already confused. The sign out front says "St. Peter's Catholic Church". Catholic Church? That isn't very inclusive! Faith Community, if you please. Oh well, I'll correct the Presider after the Communal Gathering Worship Service. I just hope I can find a parking space.

Well, that wasn't a very long walk to the church proper. Hey, what's with all the coats and ties? What's the dilly-o with all the dresses and the frilly scarves on the ladies heads? Why are these people getting all dressed up for? Don't they know that all that matters to God is that we just show up? *sniff, sniff* (smelling armpits) Well, I guess I could have at least gotten clothes that weren't in the hamper... and I should have shaved... and showered... and brushed my teeth. Oh well, I'm still pretty sure that God's still thrilled to bits that I'm here.

Wow... it sure is fancy-shmancy in here! Statues, cool paintings, enviro-friendly candles, even a lil' picket fence up front. Man, this must be what Narnia is like! But why is everyone counting the beads on those cool necklaces at the same time? And who is this Avee Maria lady they keep talking about? And what's a Gratzy-A-Plenty? I've had Good-N-Plenty candy before, but never Gratzy-A-Plenty. Maybe they'll have some after services. (Looking at watch) Well, I just wish Father would hurry the hell up. I gotta anti-war protest/PFLAG rally to attend at noon.

Hey, what's that bell ringing for? Why is Father and the servers coming in from the side door? WHAT KINDA HAT IS THAT ON FATHER'S HEAD!!?? Well... maybe it's something specific to the Latino culture. That little tassel is just like the two or three hundred tassels that my friend, Chuy Fernandez, has lining the interior of his '67 blue and primer gray Impala low-rider. I should be more culturally sensitive.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!! Father has his back turned to me! I think the Mafia has infiltrated this place. Father keeps telling some Italian dude to shake us down... "Dominic, go frisk 'em." And what language is this!? It's kind of like Spanish, but not quite. And it sure doesn't help when Father keeps mumbling to that box against the wall. And where the hell's the Mariachi Band?

OK, now I'm getting pissed. There's singing, but no robed lady on the altar raising her arm to let me know when I'm suppose to sing back! And no Sign of Peace! How am I ever going to get to know those around me? When will I have the chance to introduce myself... tell 'em where I'm from... unload on them how my father is distant and my mother is over-bearing? And the sermon was nothing but "you shouldn't do this, you should do that!" I don't need this grief. If I wanna get preached at, I'll go to.... well, uhhh, forget that.

And all this kneeling! Screw this, I'm sitting down. Better yet, I'm outta here. I'm never coming here again. Not ONCE was the focus ever on me.
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UPDATE!!Courtesy of Larsterkhan, now we all know what a box of Gratzy-A-Plenty looks like. Thanks, Lars!