Sunday, August 19, 2007

Delve Into The Mind Of Mr. Norv S. Hordo
And his first ever Traditional Latin Mass

I'M SO EXCITED!! I just heard that they're having something called a "Traditional Latino Mass" at St. Peter's, so I'm driving there now. I sure hope they have a Mariachi Band!

OK, I've driven all the way here and I'm already confused. The sign out front says "St. Peter's Catholic Church". Catholic Church? That isn't very inclusive! Faith Community, if you please. Oh well, I'll correct the Presider after the Communal Gathering Worship Service. I just hope I can find a parking space.

Well, that wasn't a very long walk to the church proper. Hey, what's with all the coats and ties? What's the dilly-o with all the dresses and the frilly scarves on the ladies heads? Why are these people getting all dressed up for? Don't they know that all that matters to God is that we just show up? *sniff, sniff* (smelling armpits) Well, I guess I could have at least gotten clothes that weren't in the hamper... and I should have shaved... and showered... and brushed my teeth. Oh well, I'm still pretty sure that God's still thrilled to bits that I'm here.

Wow... it sure is fancy-shmancy in here! Statues, cool paintings, enviro-friendly candles, even a lil' picket fence up front. Man, this must be what Narnia is like! But why is everyone counting the beads on those cool necklaces at the same time? And who is this Avee Maria lady they keep talking about? And what's a Gratzy-A-Plenty? I've had Good-N-Plenty candy before, but never Gratzy-A-Plenty. Maybe they'll have some after services. (Looking at watch) Well, I just wish Father would hurry the hell up. I gotta anti-war protest/PFLAG rally to attend at noon.

Hey, what's that bell ringing for? Why is Father and the servers coming in from the side door? WHAT KINDA HAT IS THAT ON FATHER'S HEAD!!?? Well... maybe it's something specific to the Latino culture. That little tassel is just like the two or three hundred tassels that my friend, Chuy Fernandez, has lining the interior of his '67 blue and primer gray Impala low-rider. I should be more culturally sensitive.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!! Father has his back turned to me! I think the Mafia has infiltrated this place. Father keeps telling some Italian dude to shake us down... "Dominic, go frisk 'em." And what language is this!? It's kind of like Spanish, but not quite. And it sure doesn't help when Father keeps mumbling to that box against the wall. And where the hell's the Mariachi Band?

OK, now I'm getting pissed. There's singing, but no robed lady on the altar raising her arm to let me know when I'm suppose to sing back! And no Sign of Peace! How am I ever going to get to know those around me? When will I have the chance to introduce myself... tell 'em where I'm from... unload on them how my father is distant and my mother is over-bearing? And the sermon was nothing but "you shouldn't do this, you should do that!" I don't need this grief. If I wanna get preached at, I'll go to.... well, uhhh, forget that.

And all this kneeling! Screw this, I'm sitting down. Better yet, I'm outta here. I'm never coming here again. Not ONCE was the focus ever on me.
_____________________________________________________________

UPDATE!!
Courtesy of Larsterkhan, now we all know what a box of Gratzy-A-Plenty looks like. Thanks, Lars!

16 Comments:

Blogger Richard said...

Well done - very entertaining and insightful.

11:49 PM  
Blogger Mac McLernon said...

enviro-friendly candles

Come on, Cavey... candles aren't environmentally friendly... they contribute to global warming because of all the carbon dioxide they give off...
;-)

2:55 AM  
Blogger Vir Speluncae Catholicus said...

Thanks Richard!

________________________________

Mac,
But I thought they were enviro-friendly!!! No carbon footprint, and all that stuff!

Oh well, shut down the power plants, snuff out the candles. I guess they really do want to keep us in the dark.

6:59 AM  
Blogger Coffee Catholic said...

"Mr. Norv S. Hordo"

Please! I can't take it! I'm going to have to have a gut transplant I'm laughing so hard...

Reading your blog is dangerous for my innards... (hmm is that spelled right?) (oh well who cares!)

GOD BLESS!

8:55 AM  
Blogger Coffee Catholic said...

"Father keeps telling some Italian dude to shake us down... 'Dominic, go frisk 'em.'"

OH NO! GOD HELP ME! I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE! I'm gonna wet myself if I keep reading this post!!!! LORD HAVE MERCY!!!

8:59 AM  
Blogger PreVat2 said...

Read this post first thing today. LMAO over this one. Sounds to me as though this "man" may just be a Novus Ordo presbyter!

9:30 AM  
Blogger Former Altar Boy said...

This is another one to be archived among the Caveman Classics!!! Loved it.

12:02 PM  
Blogger Athanasius contra mundo said...

LOL!! Great stuff! "Norv S. Hordo" Where do you come up with this stuff?

12:34 PM  
Blogger Alexander said...

Last sentence sums it all up perfectly.

12:01 AM  
Blogger Taliesin said...

Very Funny! Jeff the Curt Jester better watch out or he'll lose his Catholic Jester Internet crown.

3:12 PM  
Blogger Michael Leggett said...

More like Nervy S Hordo:

Classicly Written Satire

9:55 AM  
Blogger larsterkhan said...

Let me try leaving this pic.

You deserve it.

(If that didn't work, not sure it will in comment the link is
http://bp3.blogger.com/_5FclANyOwqc/RsnTY9LhE9I/AAAAAAAAABs/rIe4FcaFmDU/s1600-h/GratzyAPlenty.gif)

12:55 PM  
Blogger Joseph said...

That WAS a screamer :-)

And that picture was a shock. Thankfully, I haven't had to look at anyone dressed like that for Mass in years. Hilarious. I think I'll remember to show this to my husband tonite.

1:26 PM  
Blogger paramedicgirl said...

That was hilarious! The Dominic, do frisk 'em part had me laughing out loud.

I kept wondering who the author was, all the way down to the end. Good work, Cavey!

3:02 PM  
Blogger Unitas said...

"WHAT KINDA HAT IS THAT ON FATHER'S HEAD!!??"

Oh the horror! HAHA!

I almost peed myself.

10:52 PM  
Blogger Cathy_of_Alex said...

LOL!

4:05 PM  

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