Sunday, November 23, 2008

Have A Happy WHAT!!??
You had me at period

WARNING!! Harsh language alert!!

As the House Sergeant Major and I were watching TV the other night, I sat in shock and disbelief at a commercial that was on. I listened in stunned (and fascinated) silence to some hot chick extolling the virtues of Always Infinity brand feminine hygiene pads, or sheets, or sanitary napkins... or whatever the hell they're called, all I know is this -- they've got wings! And that impressed the livin' shit outta me.

But no. Convincing me that Always Infinity will make me run faster, jump higher, menstruate more efficiently, have change I can believe in, you name it.... well, that just wasn't enough.

Hell, I'm sold already! I'm grabbing my car keys and headed to Wal-Mart as we speak.

But no, it didn't end there. The hot chick extolling the virtues of Always Infinity also enlightened me with the knowledge that this particular skivvie dwelling panacea is now made with an über-absorbent material called Infinicel.

Wow. She actually used the word "über". Possibly because my good Bavarian family name (before it was Anglicized) is actually Weithmann, ANYTHING with "über" in it, just makes me wanna start to goosesteppin' through neighboring European nations.

Übermensch, Über Alles, Über Absorbent --- I'm so there.

OK, OK, I'm ready to buy stock in Always Infinity already. Enough! But no. The hot chick gives me the epiphanous moment of my life. Did you know that it's possible to "have a happy period"?

It's true.

She told me.

And I just KNEW IT!!!!! Damn it, I've been listening to women bitch and moan my whole life! "Ewwww, I'm having my period!" "Ahhh, I'm going through menopause!" "Whaaaa, Childbirth hurts!"

I KNEW it was all bullshit! Chicks really do have a happy period! The good folks at Proctor & Gamble (The makers of Always Infinity) told me so! And they wouldn't lie, would they?

Ya know, I've always known that us dudes had it tougher. Hey gals, you wanna bitch about "the pain" of childbirthin'? Try getting you junk caught in your zipper. When you accidentally zip up your beans and franks in the devils braces, then come talk to me about pain. Especially if the beans are above the franks.

But anyhow, I'm somewhat sad. After watching that commercial, I feel cheated that I can't have a period. I was kind of looking forward to it.


Blogger Simplex Vir said...

Someone needs to take a little less crack in the morning!

12:34 PM  
Blogger Lola said...

You found us out.

Childbirth really is just a cake-walk.

1:57 PM  
Blogger Mac McLernon said...


I suspect that the House Sergeant Major will be able (and willing) to help you lose a little of the red stuff on a monthly basis when you explain that we're just bitchin' about nothin'...

(Just to warn you, it might be painful)

4:35 PM  
Blogger Vir Speluncae Orthodoxae said...


5:12 PM  
Blogger Smiley said...

i Say ever passed a kidney stone?

5:58 PM  
Blogger Kit said...

Geez Louise, was the Butterfly Award, wasn't it. You've gone girl on us.

I made my hormonal 14 year old read it - she's still laughing re: "beans and franks" and "the Devil's teeth." I feel sorry for all the boys at her HS now. She has new knowledge of the enemy.

6:54 PM  
Blogger Anita Moore said...

That's okay, you can always just get in touch with your feminine side!

8:21 PM  
Blogger TCN said...

48 years old and still waiting for

8:49 PM  
Blogger TCN said...

Oops, meant to say, 48 years old and yet to have a happy period. Where were these things when I needed them? And do you have to speak German so that they will really work well?

And anyone who can't keep track of their wedding tackle when zipping their jeans probably should just climb back in bed and start over. The way most guys talk, I should think they always know exactly where they are and what they are doing. But then, I guess I wouldn't really know....

8:51 PM  
Blogger gramps said...

Goes along with Harry met Sally "I'll have what she is having."

12:29 AM  
Blogger Coffee Catholic said...

Ha Ha HAAAAA!! I laughed so hard reading this that everyone thinks I'm nuts! Well... I am nuts but...

1:33 PM  
Blogger Dymphna said...

Trust me on this. You don't want a period. Really.

11:06 AM  
Blogger Smiley said...

but i do want an apostrophe.

2:24 PM  

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