Wednesday, November 21, 2007

THE NIGHT BEFORE THANKSGIVING
Southern Style


'Twas the night 'fore Thanksgiving,and all through the house

I've knocked back a 12-pack, I'm half way to soused;

Like the damn fool I am, I took my wife's dare,

Now her whole stinkin' family will invade The Lair;


Her sister's a psycho who needs to take meds

To silence the voices that live in her head;

Her brother-in-law is a Southern-Fried slob,

Who never can quite handle keeping a job;

Their kids eat like animals, I wish they would go,

Their table manners are reminiscent of a Gallagher show.


Away to the drug store I flew like a flash,

Those rednecks aren't even here, and I've already a rash.


Back in my home, I hear such a clatter,

I peeks out the cave to see what the matter!

When, what to my bloodshot eyes should appear,

A sight that Jeff Foxworthy made his career.


A rusted out, smoke belching '72 van,

The modern day version of the Jed Clampett clan.

It was covered with stickers, from "Jesus is Lord!",

To some mean little kid takin' a leak on a Ford.

A Chevy crammed with Rednecks - all that could fits,

Mo' damn crackers than a box full of Ritz!


More rapid than bail jumpers my wife's kin they did came,

She whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

Hey Jim-Bob! Hey Dooley! Hey Bubba and Cale;

Hey Buckshot! Hey Skeeter. When you get outta jail?


From the corner of my eye, I see Cousin Boford,

I never did like him, he's light in the loafers.


They just got here, not sure I can hack it,

It's time to be fitted for a Caveman Straight Jacket.

A twitch of my eye, a sharp pain in my head,

Here comes that aneurysm that I've always dread;


To my wife, who I love more than she knows;

But that nut-job family of hers gots to go!


From the top of the roof! I'm all dressed in cammo!

My high-powered rifle; I got enough ammo.

Now haul ass! Grab your kids! Get up and scoot!

Don't dawdle or waste time; I'm libel to shoot!


And I exclaimed as they left, as I cut off the porch light,

"Happy Thanksgiving y'all, now stay the hell outta my sight!!"


In all seriousness, my wife's family are actually very fine people who (like most Southerners) would literally give you the shirts off their backs.

And a Happy Thanksgiving to all!

8 Comments:

Blogger ignorant redneck said...

Vir and Fam:

Have a great and happy thanksgiving!

All The Way,

ignorant redneck

9:27 PM  
Blogger Unitas said...

Oh yeah, this is getting permalinked right under who's on first latin mass style.

Seriously, you have a knack for this stuff. I 'bout peed myself.

1:28 AM  
Blogger Subvet said...

Hmm. I've had in-laws like that!

Happy Thanksgiving

6:52 AM  
Blogger Brian Michael Page said...

LMAO!! My wife has relatives like that in Tennessee.

Happy Thanksgiving.
BMP

8:33 AM  
Blogger Alli said...

Oh, I love this!
Incidentally, I was talking with Aaron the other day, and he wanted to add something on to your Novus Ordo In 2050: For the Gospel one week, the passage will be "And Jesus said, Veni Vidi Vici, kids!"
(Horrific, isn't it?)

Will I see you and Mrs Caveman on Sunday?

3:26 PM  
Blogger Mac McLernon said...

Happy Thanksgiving!

4:28 PM  
Blogger Vir Speluncae Catholicus said...

Will I see you and Mrs Caveman on Sunday?


Heck yeah, baby-girl!!

4:32 PM  
Blogger Colleen said...

Heh.

12:52 AM  

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