'Twas The Night Before Christmas
Or, how I stayed awake for Midnight Mass

'Twas the night before Christmas, I'll try not to be crass.'Cus I'm jacked-up on Red Bull waiting for Mass.I've been awake for hours and it's hard to make words rhyming.I'm starting to look like Nicholson in that freaky movie The Shining

Black coffee I suck down, cup after cup.How I regret earlier drinking that half bottle of cough syrup.I stare at the clock, I'm getting pretty damn irate.Who's idea was it to have Midnight Mass so stinkin' late?

Then from the bottom of my gut there arose such a clatter.Four burritos, extra cheese, mas jalapenos, they're all about to splatter. Now Pepto! Now Bismol! Do your job, PRONTO!On Tums! On Mylanta! Soothe my bowels, C'MON, VATO!

Now my bod's confused. Stimulants, depressants, now antacids too.Simultaneous jitters and sleepiness. Time to crank up Led Zeppelin II.Before you know it, I'm dancin' the Funky Monkey to Ramble On.Unfortunately for me (and for the neighbors), it was out on the front lawn.

Mrs. Caveman (in true Southern fashion) takesoff her shoe and smacks me dead on the ass.I'm shocked back to reality with her yelling"quit screwin' around and get the hell ready for Mass!!"

I'm comin' down off my buzz, I think I'll be all right.So it's Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!