War On Terrorism Hits The Heartland
Rural law enforcement stretched thin. One bullet per man.

Mayberry, NC (CNS Caveman News Service) - Sheriff Andrew "Andy" Taylor nervously chain smokes one cigarette after another. "This was always such a peaceful little town". A long pull of the cigarette followed by a soft exhale. The Sheriff speaks almost in a whisper "things just ain't been the same since them Mujahadeen boys came down off the mountain".

Once thought to be an impossibility, an al-Qaeda sleeper cell has emerged in small-town America. "We had an idea that there might be some troublin' folk livin' up there ever since they built that long, skinny tower. Every single day, five times a day... the worst music you ever did hear just came a-blarin' from them loudspeakers. I know'd right off that it weren't Hank Williams" said Taylor.

An increase in broken windows has plagued the sleepy hamlet for the past three weeks. Taylor has admitted that local Sunni leader Ernest T. al-Bashar is 'a person of interest'. "He's a tough one. Organized, well trained, well funded. He's also the best rock thrower in the county".

Terror mastermind Ernest T. al-Bashar has released the following statement from his mountain hideout; "I'm gonna join me up with them al-Qaeda boys and get me a u-ni-form. Hup, two... tote the rifle, jump on the truck!". Al-Bashar is widely rumored not to have a hitch in his giddy-up.

Deputy Bernard P. Fife states "he's a nut!". The deputy also sumed up his thoughts on the situation; "Only two kinds of people will come out of this battle, the quick... or the dead". Sheriff Taylor then quickly added "Oh just shut-up, Barney. If you don't beat all".

Frightened citizens such as local barber, Floyd Lawson, is afraid to re-open his business. "Oh nooooooo, Ijustcouldn'tdothat. Toodangerous, toodangerous. Oh yeahhhhh".

A sleepy eyed Gomer Pyle, local dullard, was overheard to say "huh?"

Ringleader Otis Kameel remains in Guantanamo Bay awaiting charges. His "I'll just let myself out" plan discovered by Base Commander. Thwarted once keys were removed from the peg next to the cell door and placed in the top desk drawer.

In a related story, NBC is considering doing a series on "the sheriff who fights terrorism without a gun". As of yet, Law & Order: RFD is not on the Fall schedule.

(inspired by a story from The Onion)