Thursday, April 08, 2010

If Dogs & Cats Could Write A Diary
Idea and portions liberally stolen from The John Boy & Billy Big Show

Diary of a Dog

8:00 - Wake up and eat a $1.07 can of dog food. Mmmmm! It's my most favorite thing to do!

8:20 - Go outside. Poop and pee. It's my most favorite thing to do!

8:30 - Bark at the idiot dog next door. It's my most favorite thing to do!

8:31 - Chase birds. It's my most favorite thing to do!

8:32 - Chase squirrels. It's my most favorite thing to do!

8:33 - Chase birds some more. It's my most favorite thing to do!

9:50 - Back in the house. Sit in the lap of my Momma Master. She keeps telling me what a good boy I am. I know I am. After all, it's my most favorite thing to do!

12:03 - Eat lunch. It's my most favorite thing to do!

12:25 - Pretty much for the remainder of the day, I sleep, poop, pee, snuggle up to my momma, bark, bounce, lie in the sun, try to get that mean ol' cat to play with me (one day!), wait for Dad Master to come home. In general, I'm just about as cute as I could be. These are my most favorite things to do!

5:00 - My Dad Master comes home. Where has he been!? It's been almost 11 hours since I've seen him last! He's also carrying in a whole bunch of bags filled with food! Wow, he's the greatest hunter ever!

5:09 - Dad Master keeps hugging me and telling me what a good boy I am. I know I am. Getting hugs -- it's my most favorite thing to do!

5:49 - Eat dinner. I don't know exactly what that was... but it sure was good! After all, that's my most favorite thing to do!

6:15 - I spend the remainder of the day basking in the glow that are my Momma and Dad Masters. They are simply the greatest two people that have ever existed. I'm a lucky dog.

Diary of a Cat

8:00 - Day 962 of captivity. I hate my captors.

8:15 - They vainly attempt to feed me canned swill that averages out to about $37.00 a pound. *Humph!* I'll show them. I'll just vomit it all over the carpet... again.

12:07 - They try to poison me, yet again. I'm not eating that! Bastards.

1:45 - I tried to kill my captors by quickly running in front of them and under their feet. One day, one day....

3:02 - That damn dog keeps trying to play with me. I think he's retarded.

4:57 - The food from lunch is still sitting here, getting dry and hard. I still refuse to eat it. FEMALE CAPTOR! Come take this away from me, and bring me new food... bitch.

6:14 - I present the headless carcass of a mouse to my captors. They just don't know what I'm capable of, do they?

9:51 - I go to sleep wherever I damn well please.


Blogger Ginkgo100 said...

Based loosely on the life of my wicked Siamese.

Diary of a Another Cat

7:00 Humans opened their bedroom door. Finally! I went in immediately and walked in circles around the human still in bed, looking for any exposed skin to touch my cold wet nose to. Don't they know I've just been WAITING for them to pet me??

7:15 The food bowl was still empty. A$$holes. I gave them a piece of my mind.

7:45 The female human came in the kitchen to get some nasty coffee. She STILL didn't put food in the dish. So I tripped her.

8:30 Finally got some food. I watched Annoying Cat eat it until the female human got the message and gave me my own bowl *where I wanted it*. Doesn't she know by now that my delicate stomach just can't tolerate food if I'm within ten feet of Annoying Cat?

8:33 to 12:40 p.m. Found the clean towels and slept on them, in order to make sure the terry cloth would remove as much shed hair from my lovely coat as possible.

12:41 p.m. Female human fixed lunch. I sat on the table in order to track every crumb for possible later consumption, until she squirted me with water. Bitch.

12:43 to 12:54 p.m. Continued to watch lunch preparations from every vantage point available, moving whenever that squirt gun got pointed at me.

12:55 p.m. Female human took her lunch into the other room to eat. I got on the counters and licked everything I could find with a trace of foodstuff on it. Some cats are hunters of mice and birds, but I would never do anything so vulgar for a meal. Give me human food, even if it makes me vomit on the carpet later!

1:12 p.m. Female human was just about finished with her lunch, so I went in to try to eat the remains on her plate. Here I shall quote a song: "I get knocked down, but I get up again." She is persistent at keeping me away from the plate, but I am equally persistent at sneaking back up to eat from it.

1:14 p.m. For some reason, the female human got up angrily and washed the plate. What the hell? Didn't she know I was still trying to eat?

1:15 p.m. to 5:00 p.m. Found the clean folded clothes and slept on them. The towels were already saturated with shed hair, so I found a new place to put it.

5:03 p.m. Came in the living room and got on the couch, where Small Aggressive Human tackled me. I let him crush my ribs until the female human yelled. Doesn't she know I am a noble martyr whose suffering puts her to shame?

6:00 p.m. Got on the counter and cleaned up after dinner, using my tongue, while the humans were eating in the other room. They should really be more appreciative.

6:12 to 8:30 p.m. Gave humans the evil eye, said rude things to them, and kept myself underfoot until they finally put food in my dish. Jerks, what took them so long? And why do they keep feeding Annoying Cat too?

10:30 Humans closed the bedroom door on me AGAIN. Why don't they let me walk on them, play under their bed, and purr loud enough to wake the dead while they sleep? Don't they know I'm showing my undying love? Ingrates.

11:24 AM  
Blogger VSO said...

Aw, I want to pet the puppy.

11:44 AM  
Blogger Old Bob said...

"Dogs have masters; cats have staff."

The ancient Egyptians worshipped cats as gods, and the cats have never let us forget it.

12:03 PM  
Blogger Vir Speluncae Catholicus said...

Hilarious!! Thanks for sharing.

6:13 PM  
Blogger readagreda said...

I call the poochie "Zaccheus" (small in stature). He's a little "poopy head", just look at him! I could take them ears and yank em a few times. Cutie!

11:35 AM  
Blogger Hans-Georg Lundahl said...

"3:02 - That damn dog keeps trying to play with me. I think he's retarded."

Omnipresent observation, from Garfield and Odo to your blog, is it not?

"Cats and dogs should be brought up together, it broadens their minds" said someone ... hmm? Sure?

7:59 AM  
Blogger Hans-Georg Lundahl said...

Oh, I mean Garfield and Odi.

Some jerk woke me up, so that five thirty, when the guard came to get me away, I had already been up by anything between half an hour and one and a half hours.

7:48 AM  

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