Thursday, March 19, 2009

Make Sure You Sign This Before It's Sent To The Bishop
Also makes a GREAT bulletin insert!!

Inspired by the real one
Helmet tip to GG
WARNING! Crude humor alert.


Liberal Catholic Hurt Feelings Report

Date: __________
Time of hurtfulness: __________ am/pm
Gender: Male __ Female Womyn __ Shemale __ Still In The Pre-Operative Stages ___
Race/Ethnicity: White __ Black __ Latino __ Whatever's The Most En Vogue At The Present Moment __
Name of priest who hurt said feelings: __________

A. Were two or more of you gathered together when the hurtful words were spoken? ___
B. Is there permanent feelings damage? ___
C. Was your mangina bruised? (Males only) ___
D. Was you shenis knocked out of place? (Womyn only) ___
E. Can you still manstruate? (Either) ___
F. Are you capable of being an active participant in Group Hugs and/or crying on cue? ___
G. Can you still sing Be Not Afraid? ___
a) Off key? ___

Reasons for filing this report: Circle Yes or No

1. I'm thin-skinned. Yes No

2. I have low self-esteem. Yes No

3. I was never breast fed as a child. Yes No

4. My wife told me to. (Applies to both males and womyn) Yes No

5. Father __________ is such a little bitch. Yes No

6. I'm such a little bitch. Yes No

Circumstances for filing this report: Circle Yes or No

1. Father laughed at me when I asked if we could initiate a parish-wide all-male naked drum circle. Yes No

2. No one held my hand and I feel left out. Yes No

3. Father threatened to "hit me with so many Rites, I'd be beggin' for a left". I'm not exactly sure what that means, but I'm pretty sure it's not nice. Yes No

4. Father said hurtful things about my bumper stickers. Yes No

5. Father spoke of this scaaaaaary place called "hell", and foreign concepts called "sin" and "personal accountability". My inner-child is now wounded. Yes No

6. Father told me I need to abort my inner-child and grow the **** up. Yes No

Name of sensitive individual filing this report: ________________

Signature: ________________________


SIDE NOTE: And the very first metrosexual whiner that gets to fill out his LCHFR is Robert S. McElvaine, Professor of Arts & Letters, Millsaps College, as well as guest Bitch-'N-Moaner for the Washington Compost.

Here's some of what Ms. McElvaine opines;

Impeach the Pope
Enough! No--Too much!

Amid all the justified outrage we all feel at Bernie Madoff and the AIG bandits, let us save some intense outrage for Pope Benedict XVI.

Let's start a movement within the Catholic Church to impeach Pope Benedict XVI and remove him from office. While we're at it, let's replace him with a woman.

He reversed the excommunication of a Holocaust denier. Will he excommunicate me for pointing out that he is a misogyny denier?

If this be heresy, make the most of it.
Hey dip-shit... you can't impeach the Pope. Sheesh, this guys a college professor AND a writer for a national newspaper? Notice how he revels in the possibility of committing heresy? Just like a spoiled brat daring a parent to correct him.

Obviously, this clown's Holy Trinity consists of His Orgasms, His Feminine Side, and Him Whining Like A 12-Year Old Girl Experiencing Her First Period. (Well, I take back the 3d one. That's an insult to every 12-year old girl that's experienced their first period. I'm quite sure that even these little girls are made of sterner stuff than this wimp. But you see what I'm getting at.)

But I digress... Madame Mac is exactly the creature the LCHFR was written for. What's even better, a well versed 9th Grader can dissect this self-described "Catholic's" Catholic-bashing drivel in about 10 minutes.

But never let facts nor common sense get in the way of good old fashioned liberal-driven Catholic-bashing. Especially from a man(?) with access to the national media and a college professorship.

By the way, could you imagine this Delta Bravo saying the same thing about Obama or Jeremiah Wright? I think not. After all, "there is no god but Obama, and Wright is his prophet".


Blogger Vetus Melius Est said...

Looks like a great bulletin insert!

8:56 PM  
Blogger LarryD said...


9:24 PM  
Blogger Adeodatus49 said...

Would a modern(ist) Catholic priest say these things? No way in Hell . . . ah . . . er . . . ahem . . . I mean heck. Would a hell fire and brimstone Baptist preacher say these things? Hell yes! LOL

10:19 PM  
Blogger ignorant redneck said...

That's the funniest thing I've seen all morning--and tht includes my 2 y/o grand daughter walking around playing 'zombie' going "Brains,....Braaaiiiiiins"

Hmmmmmm---zombies, modernists, there a difference?

9:19 AM  
Blogger Robert said...

I guess you won't be buying a copy of McElvaine's book.

10:34 AM  
Blogger Vir Speluncae Catholicus said...

Only as really expensive emergency tiolet paper.

3:52 PM  
Blogger Phelony Jones said...

More elbow room for me in heaven.

Ok ok, I take it back...

6:40 PM  
Blogger Adeodatus49 said...


Definition of a professor:

Someone who tells the world how to solve the problems he avoided by becoming a professor in the first place.

7:10 PM  
Blogger Al said...

I'm surprize they haven't come up with a form like this yet. Better have it copyrighted so you can sue the "theological place of eternal damnation" out of them when they steal it, as they will.

McElvaine makes a case for bringing back burning heritics at the stake, or at least the Spanish Inqusition (Mel Brooks & or Monty Python versions both acceptable).

I wonder if he weighs the same as a duck?

2:32 AM  
Blogger Karen said...

Okay, I'm recovering from root canal and I read that without any warning. I think I ruptured something.

1:24 PM  

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