Earth Hour 2010

"I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part.... and we're just the guys to do it. "


I'm feeling real bad about not doing my fair share in voicing my environmental concerns regarding this past weekends 'Earth Hour' orgy of pretentiousness. I really do. I figure such a moronic act of self-righteousness deserves an equally moronic answer of indifference. There are some statements where the reply of an extended arm with a middle digit pointed skyward, is just grossly insufficient. Appropriate yes, but insufficient none-the-less. We can do better.

So here is my proposal. Party on my front lawn next year, hell, multiple parties, on multiple lawns throughout the nation. We can call it 'Resource Consumption' Night or something else with an air of arrogant piety. We can have a nice self-absorbed evening of fun and sleep well at night knowing we've done less damage to the environment than our counterparts on the Left.

First off, we'll need to see what we are doing and waste as much energy as we can doing it, so I'll be hiring one of the local movie lighting companies to illuminate my front lawn. My one provision will be that they will be required to use the old incandescent light bulbs of yore. We can watch the meter on the side of my house spin like Clark Griswalds at Christmastime taking bet's where it'll stop. Yet despite all this gratuitous waste, we will still be able to sleep sound knowing that we used less energy that your average craptastic piece of trash coming out of Hollywood these days.

Next, we'll have a bonfire. I know, we already have more lighting than a night game at Yankee Stadium, but what better way to create a 'Cumbayah, look at me...' ambiance, than a good old fashion bonfire. Of course, this won't be any regular bonfire, I mean, this party is about tweeking the Environmental Left. I figure huge truck tires kindled with styrofoam and ignited with gasoline would insult their pagan sensibilities perfectly. Once again, we can all sleep well knowing that we are contaminating the air less than Eco-hero John Travolta does, on his frequent 2 passenger hops that he takes, in his personal 150 passenger Boing 747.

We'll have to eat, so I'm figuring the stink a bunch of cavedwellers can muster from an evening of Guinness and White Castle hamburgers will permeate the air nicely. Again, our little heads can hit the pillow without an ounce of guilt, knowing that our noxious 'afterfumes' will be doing the atmosphere no worse than the 4 Buses, 3 semi's and various other vehicles that accompany Sheryl Crow on her 'Stop Global Warming' tour stops. Just remember, with all that Guinness and White Castle, don't expect Sheryl to, 'spare a square' . I hear she is pretty chincy in that department. Must get pretty itchy saving the rain forests of the world on just one square of T-P.

Capping the evening off, we can blow off a few rounds with our favorite firearms. Don't ask me how this will give us an environmentally guilt-free sleep, but this party is mainly about pissing off liberals. What better way is there to accomplish that, than showing off ones love of the Second Amendment?

Finally, bring the kiddies, the more the better! What better way to thumb your nose at an eco-fanatic than by showing a strong presence of big, 'breeder' sized families? If you have a family as large as mine, a night like this makes all the dirty looks we get from the Ben 'n Jerry's crowd worth it! Oh, and don't forget to bring plenty of toy guns for your little planet killers to play with. The sight of kids playing with toy guns will really take the jam out of their organic jelly donuts. And once again, sleep well knowing that your ever-growing brood is doing far less harm to the planet than all the residual damage that birth control has done to the environment(strange how this never comes up in their agenda to purify the world) and that a family of nine like mine, uses a quarter less the power to run our homes than it does to run the home of the Guru of Global Warming Awareness, Al Gore.

So there you have it. My response to all of the hypocrites, who have all of the answers to the world problems and their ridiculous gestures of righteous indignation. Who's with me next year?

Saint Michael the Archangel...

Defend Us in Battle!!!