Saturday, May 03, 2008

Survival Tip #851...
From VSC's Top Survival Tips if lost in the woods and all you have is an issue of Time magazine

Leave it to Time Ragazine. They've just published their Top 100 list. And what a list it is. The entire galaxy of liberal-darlings is up there in their Communist-Marxist and/or "I Hate America" planetarium for all of us mere mortals to ooh and ahh at.

Pope Benedict doesn't rate to be on the list, but you won't believe who did make it.

Just to name a few;

Muqtada al-Sadr (The poster-boy for SlimFast, Listerine Whitening Strips, and radical islam.)

Vladimir Putin (WE WILL CRUSH YOU... just as soon as we find out who has the keys to all our nuclear missiles.)

Barack Obama (I don' know nuthin' 'bout disavowin' no Jeremiah Wright!)

Hillary Clinton (I'm sorry. We're you talking to me? I was busy ducking imaginary sniper fire.)

Evo Morales (I KEEL YOU ALL!! VIVA CHE!!!)

Oprah Winfrey (The rich need to pay their fair share! Shhhh... but don't bring up the quarter billion dollars I made last year!)

George Clooney (Make sure you drop 10 bucks a ticket on my latest bomb. I need the money!)

Tim Russert (Barney Rubble come to life. Laugh and all.)

But in all fairness, the likes of the above mentioned were oh, so predictable. In all fairness, I must admit that Time did also list the head RepubliCrat (George Bush) and the Head RepubliCrat-In-Waiting (John McCain).

Below are some folks on the list are downright laughable when you consider that this entire list is for the most "influential people" on the face of the earth. Remember... (and I can't emphasis this enough) Time says that these folks make more of an influence to your life than the spiritual leader of 1.1 billion Catholics;

Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie (Renown collectors of 3d World children.)

Dalai Lama (Buy my bumper stickers... please! You don't really have to do anything, just slap 'em all over your '73 VW Microbus! You'll feel SOOOOOO much better about yourself!)

Mia Farrow (Hasn't Rosemary had that baby YET!!??)

Andre Agassi (Bald, over the hill tennis player. Use to date Brooke Shields. Yeah... he influences my life.)

Lance Armstrong (Inspirational cancer survivor. But not too inspirational when he dumped his wife to shack up with Sheryl Crow. Also exceedingly influential to my life.)

Peter Gabriel (Since when does the warm-up singer at the Iowa State Fair "Monsters of 80's Rock" concert get to be on a Time Magazine Top 100 Most Influential list?)

Kak√° (Biggest claim to fame - has half of a South American lake name after him.)

Lorne Michaels (You gotta be kidding me. That show has absolutely sucked out loud since Chris Farley and David Spade left.)

Miley Cyrus [AKA: Hannah Montana] (Acky-Breaky photo shoot.)

Robert Downey Jr. (Out of re-hab again!?)

Herbie Hancock (Not to be confused with John Hancock.)

Bruce Springsteen (Ahtensh ifr alwrofs.. BORN TO RUUUNNNNNNN! Plpedfd hyqmz awert.)

Mariah Carey (Also known as the human dog whistle.)

Tyler Perry (Really big on the Turner Broadcasting System demographic. Not to be confused with either Steven Tyler or Admiral Perry.)

Chris Rock (Everybody Hates Chris. Except for the good folks at Time.)

Radiohead (Who?)

But getting back to Survival Tip #851, if you're lost in the wilds, all you have is a copy of Time and you gotta take a serious dump and you also happen to be fresh out of butt-wipe... rip out a page or two, wad 'em up real good. Crinckle them up vigorously, you know, make it as soft as humanly possible.

But on second thought --- it IS Time Magazine. You're poop-chute deserves better. Use a pine cone instead.

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