Saturday, September 15, 2007

How I Spent My Feast Of The Exaltation Of The Cross Vacation
So THAT'S what the inside of a Catholic church is suppose to look like

0523- Alarm goes off. Hit it with club. Went back to sleep.

0525: Alarm goes off again. Decide not to hit it with club again. Crawl out of the sack cussing. (note to self: go to Confession)

0526: Brushed teeth, splashed on foo-foo juice, drank extra-large cup of coffee, got my poop on.

0600: Turned on Sports Center. Cussed out the Padres for losing. Cussed them out again for losing to the hated dodgers (note to self: go to Confession).

0630: Drove to work. Uneventful. But then again, I'm use to the Rednecks driving 20 mph over the speed limit, and the Mexicans driving 20 mph under the speed limit.

0700: Arrived at work. Did mindless drone tasks for next 8 hours.

1500: Clocked out. Literally ran to my car before the boss could call me back in again to unscrew what someone else screwed-up.

1530: Got home, cleaned up, beat-feet to a certain far-away parish that has invited His Excellency to usher in Summorum Pontificum.

1745: Finally arrived at certain far-off parish. An hour and fifteen minutes 'till Mass, and the place is already packed. Dead silence. People are actually praying. The handful of Novus Ordo visitors are disoriented... looking for someone's hand to hold.

1803: Went to Confession. Would discuss it with you, but it's none of your damn business (note to self: go to Confession).

1807: Began Penance.

1859: Finished Penance (my Father-Confessor don't screw around. Well, at least he didn't go Medieval on my ass).

1900: Mass begins. The Mozart Mass in C Major, to be exact. Good lyrics... it had a pretty good beat... I could dance to it. I'll give it a 7.

1927: Overcome by the smell of incense. Got delirious. For some bizarre reason, kept repeating "semper ubi sub ubi... semper ubi sub ubi" (always wear underwear... always wear underwear). I think God wants me to stop going commando.

2033: Ite, missa est. Deo gratias.

2040: Went to reception for the Bishop. Met a nice, young Catholic girl who seemed to worry if she was a "chalice chipper". Wanted to remind her that if the sight of a pretty girl would make a young seminarian actually leave the seminary, then he shouldn't be there to begin with... but ended up teasing her on and off for the next 45 minutes. That little cruet cracker, her.

2053: Met all sorts of super groovy people. Everything from Captain America in Clericals to a simply wonderful couple who moved down this way from Pennsylvania. I made a conscience effort to steer clear of the Bishop. Just in case he's ever read my blog, but doesn't quite yet understand my so-called "sense of humor", I didn't want him to go all Max von Sydow on me and start splashin' holy water everywhere and yelling at me "the Power of Christ compels you! The Power of Christ compels you!!" Sometimes discretion really is the better part of valor.

2125: Gave nice, young Catholic girl yet another hug goodbye. In all seriousness, in a world that expects young ladies to exude sex, drugs and rock and roll, it sure was nice to meet a young lady who was the epitome of mom, apple pie and baseball. But she needs to work on that riff-raff she drug to Mass with her. Stinkin' college hippies. And why, pray tell, aren't any of 'em in the Marines yet? Sheesh... youth is wasted on the wrong people.

2126: Long drive ahead of me... so it's time to make like a heretic and leave the church.

OK, all seriousness aside, today was quite simply put, excellent in every way. May God bless and protect out Pontiff, our Bishop, and the priests who were at Mass last night, and for those who couldn't physically attend, were there spiritually.

PS, I sure hope my bishop has a sense of humor!


Blogger Mac McLernon said...

What exactly, pray tell, is a "chalice chipper"?

2:29 PM  
Blogger Vir Speluncae Catholicus said...

That would be someone who either purposefully, or either unknowingly due to their own hotitudiness, tempts a young seminarian.

3:30 PM  
Blogger Kasia said...

Hm. Did she have any reason to believe she was a "chalice chipper", or was she just being scrupulous? :-p How many seminarians had she led astray?

6:06 PM  
Blogger Alli said...

Ha - mom, apple pie, and baseball... I appreciate the sentiment but in reality detest all three of those things. ;)

I'll tell my riff-raff hippie friends you said hello.

PS: It was so great to finally meet you! Your lack of a protruding brow and/or loincloth threw me off a little bit, though...

6:18 PM  
Blogger Edmund C. said...

'Tis a pity that I didn't stay for the reception...

And the Mozart was just a 7? That's gratitude for you. See if I open my big mouth to Fr. P the next time we learn a nice classical Mass and aren't allowed to sing it except as "special music" at our "Ordinary" parish.

7:30 PM  
Blogger Vir Speluncae Catholicus said...

How many seminarians had she led astray?

Zero. She's actually a really nice young lady.


PS: It was so great to finally meet you! Your lack of a protruding brow and/or loincloth threw me off a little bit, though...

I've been told that I hose down well.

PS, what's you blog address?


You're the 2d blogger-buddy I missed last night!! Maybe one day...

8:24 PM  
Blogger Alli said...

I only use Blogger for commenting, but the blog I DO use is located at:

9:44 PM  
Blogger Matthew said...

Chalice Chipper!! That is a new one for me. I will have to use that one. (No I am not a seminarian). Great, hilarious blog again Caveman!!!

6:07 AM  
Blogger Vir Speluncae Catholicus said...

Oops... sorry, I forgot to mewntion that you guys KICKED ASS last night! Great job!

8:17 AM  
Blogger Christine said...

Now I wish I had gone to meet the Caveman and the Bishop (although I have met the Bishop)! my mother went,though.

6:38 PM  
Blogger kimberley said...

I nominate this for funniest post of the year.

9:26 PM  

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