Saturday, June 09, 2007

-ANOTHER Ribbon!!??
What Hath Tony Orlando & Dawn Wrought?

In this day and age of everyone is a victim... I've come across the Oh-Woe-Is-Me to end all Oh-Woe-Is-Me websites; the Childhood Goat Trauma Foundation.

Unlike the Spirit of Vatican II Catholic Community parody blog, this one's for real (or is it? Hmmm...).

I couldn't help but laugh out loud as I read their "Don't Be a Victim!" page (my comments in red);

With the number of goat traumas increasing every year, it has become necessary to take measures to protect yourself. With this in mind, the Childhood Goat Trauma Foundation has put together this list of advice.

~ Avoid petting zoos. The majority of goat traumas occurring each year take place at petting zoos.
[Noooooo..... I thought they took place on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange.]

~ Stay alert. Goats are deceitful and can hide just about anywhere. [Are those the Recon Goats that the Marine Corps has been experimenting with?]

~ Stay in civilized areas. While there have been reports of roaming urban goats, most attacks by loose goats take place in less populated areas. ["Urban goats"? *snap, snap, snap, snap* When you're a goat, you're a goat all the way. From you're first cigarette 'till your last dyin' day...]

~ Be suspicious of all farm animals. While other animals such as sheep, cows and horses are not by any means the violent creatures that goats are, goats frequently lurk within a herd, waiting to take advantage of peoples' trust in such animals. [Much like used care salesmen... or Roman Protestants.]

~ There have been some reports of goats avoiding the presence of certain breeds of dogs, but the Foundation has yet to test this theory. [Mind if I save you a few thousand dollars? Ask a shepherd. *Jeez! What dumb-asses!!! *]

~ If you must be in an area where goats are present, stay away from the younger goats. Older goats can be slower, allowing you more time to escape. [Hangin' out with goats that are wheelchair bound is your best bet.]

~ Wearing earth tones in goat-infested areas may offer some protection from goat attack, due their camoflaging abilities. [Again with the Recon Goats.]

~ We have recently learned that goats have learned to climb trees and drop down onto unsuspecting people. [Geronimo!!! Or would that be Goatronimo? And why do I have this mental image of bleating Long Duc Dong with horns falling out of a tree?]

For the love of God, people... we're talking goats in a petting zoo, not lions on the African veldt.

Jeez, allow me to break it down for you, Caveman style;

~ If semi-domesticated barnyard animals scare the hell outta your toddler. Don't take 'em to petting zoos. Yes, it really is that simple.

~ If your semi-domesticated toddler has the guts enough to brave the scary, scary world of petting zoos, stay with your child. Semi-domesticated barnyard animals are just that; semi-domesticated. Emphasis on the word "semi".

~ If your kid does get his ass knocked loose by a rampaging goat, here's your big chance to teach Junior a life-lesson: tell him to stand up, brush himself off, rub some dirt on the boo-boo, and suck it up.

~ Either that, or you can turn the Drama-O-Meter up to 11 and make a big what-to-do about Junior getting his ass knocked loose, plaster him with Goat-Trauma.Org bumper stickers, and teach him to be a victim for the rest of his life. Yes, it really is that simple.


Looks like I swallowed this one hook, line and sinker. It's a parody blog. And a well done one at that! Good job Goat-Trauma.Org people!


Blogger Dave said...

Mexico has provided two solutions for troublesome goats. They're called cabrito asado and birria.

8:02 AM  
Blogger Mac McLernon said...

Or would that be Goatronimo?

possibly "geroni-goooooat"?

(yeah, ok, not my best, but I couldn't resist!)

8:36 AM  
Blogger Former Altar Boy said...

Your comments had me laughing out loud!
Great comment!!!

2:46 PM  
Blogger Vir Speluncae Orthodoxae said...

LOL! Are these people serious?

3:26 PM  
Blogger tara said...

I want a bumper sticker--just imagine anyone trying to figure that one out. LOL!

5:32 PM  
Blogger Joseph said...

Wow! I'm a real live victim, at last, for real! Wow!

A long time ago I brought my granddaughter to the petting zoo, and for some reason all the little goats liked her and started butting her. I had to pick her up and take her out, and then forgot all about it.

But apparently not. Evidently the trauma has been buried deep all these years, spilling over into a general dislike of pushy people and head bangers.

So now I can get the ribbon! Let the healing begin!

6:56 PM  
Blogger Paul, just this guy, you know? said...

You had me scared there for a minute that this wasn't a spoof site.

It's a very good spoof site! From their "Survey page":
1. How old were you when you were attacked and how old are you now?

Age at attack ranged upwards from 3 years old, with the highest concentration between the ages of 8 and 23. Current age varied as well, with respondents between the ages of 11 and 158. From the report made by the 158 year old, one can infer that Goat Trauma has been around for a number of years.
[Emphasis added.]

7:37 PM  
Blogger Al said...

Looking at the website, it looks suspiciously like something out of a Monty Python episode (killer sheep).

As I checked out various pages it looked less & less like a serious advocacy group & that leads me to suspect that they are actually a parody a-la "Spirit of Vatican II Catholic Community".

Thus my conclusion is that they are actually making fun of our society's victim mentality.

I'm sorry to say that I suspect that our dear Cavie has been reeled in by them & allowed them to discover a species of fish long considered extinct, the "Suckerius Speluncae Catholicus".

12:30 AM  
Blogger Vir Speluncae Catholicus said...

Yep, looks like I swallowed that one hook, line and sinker! Update on the way....


I'm sorry to say that I suspect that our dear Cavie has been reeled in by them & allowed them to discover a species of fish long considered extinct, the "Suckerius Speluncae Catholicus".

Now that was just plain mean. My inner child is now wounded.

Some one dream up a ribbon... STAT!!!

6:04 AM  
Blogger Al said...

The ribbon will have to be red, white & green like the Italian flag with a Cavefish on it. :)

After the ribbon we can create a support group for wounded inner cave children, then we can write a book & finally go on the talk show circuit.

Just so long as I'm not "excavemunicated"!

Seriously, the sad part is that someone probably has/will come up with a real group like this spoof.

Come to think of it, maybe we should start up a support group for those who are sick of inane victim support groups.

6:37 AM  
Blogger Vir Speluncae Catholicus said...

Just so long as I'm not "excavemunicated"!

LOL!!! No worries, Al!

Calling me out on an obvious screw-up on my part is far from grounds for excavemunication.

It's guys like you and Paul that keep me on my toes!

Welcome to The Lair, Al.

7:03 AM  
Blogger Joseph said...

So, I don't get my ribbon?

4:15 PM  
Blogger Al said...

Last nite I was watching the opening scenes of part 2 of 1 of the greatest famiglia triogies in the history of movies & something dawned on me. There was a scene where the young Vito was being hidden in the basket on the back of a donkey. Alongside the donkey was a goat bleating. I figure the goat was trying to betray the young Vito & that it was "Goat Trauma" that caused Vito to grow up & be a mobster, not the fact that a mafioso killed his father.

Now if this group had been there in the early 1900s there would have been 1 less mafia famiglia & a lot less crime. ;)

(I hope you realize that this is so tongue in cheek that it will take surgery to remove the tongue. I just couldn't resist.)

7:00 AM  

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