What Hath Tony Orlando & Dawn Wrought?
In this day and age of everyone is a victim... I've come across the Oh-Woe-Is-Me to end all Oh-Woe-Is-Me websites; the Childhood Goat Trauma Foundation.
Unlike the Spirit of Vatican II Catholic Community parody blog, this one's for real (or is it? Hmmm...).
I couldn't help but laugh out loud as I read their "Don't Be a Victim!" page (my comments in red);
With the number of goat traumas increasing every year, it has become necessary to take measures to protect yourself. With this in mind, the Childhood Goat Trauma Foundation has put together this list of advice.
~ Avoid petting zoos. The majority of goat traumas occurring each year take place at petting zoos. [Noooooo..... I thought they took place on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange.]
~ Stay alert. Goats are deceitful and can hide just about anywhere. [Are those the Recon Goats that the Marine Corps has been experimenting with?]
~ Stay in civilized areas. While there have been reports of roaming urban goats, most attacks by loose goats take place in less populated areas. ["Urban goats"? *snap, snap, snap, snap* When you're a goat, you're a goat all the way. From you're first cigarette 'till your last dyin' day...]
~ Be suspicious of all farm animals. While other animals such as sheep, cows and horses are not by any means the violent creatures that goats are, goats frequently lurk within a herd, waiting to take advantage of peoples' trust in such animals. [Much like used care salesmen... or Roman Protestants.]
~ There have been some reports of goats avoiding the presence of certain breeds of dogs, but the Foundation has yet to test this theory. [Mind if I save you a few thousand dollars? Ask a shepherd. *Jeez! What dumb-asses!!! *]
~ If you must be in an area where goats are present, stay away from the younger goats. Older goats can be slower, allowing you more time to escape. [Hangin' out with goats that are wheelchair bound is your best bet.]
~ Wearing earth tones in goat-infested areas may offer some protection from goat attack, due their camoflaging abilities. [Again with the Recon Goats.]
~ We have recently learned that goats have learned to climb trees and drop down onto unsuspecting people. [Geronimo!!! Or would that be Goatronimo? And why do I have this mental image of bleating Long Duc Dong with horns falling out of a tree?]
For the love of God, people... we're talking goats in a petting zoo, not lions on the African veldt.
Jeez, allow me to break it down for you, Caveman style;
~ If semi-domesticated barnyard animals scare the hell outta your toddler. Don't take 'em to petting zoos. Yes, it really is that simple.
~ If your semi-domesticated toddler has the guts enough to brave the scary, scary world of petting zoos, stay with your child. Semi-domesticated barnyard animals are just that; semi-domesticated. Emphasis on the word "semi".
~ If your kid does get his ass knocked loose by a rampaging goat, here's your big chance to teach Junior a life-lesson: tell him to stand up, brush himself off, rub some dirt on the boo-boo, and suck it up.
~ Either that, or you can turn the Drama-O-Meter up to 11 and make a big what-to-do about Junior getting his ass knocked loose, plaster him with Goat-Trauma.Org bumper stickers, and teach him to be a victim for the rest of his life. Yes, it really is that simple.