Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Reverse Discrimination. Geographic, That Is
Apologies to all my Northern friends!

WARNING! Crude humor alert!!

We've all seen those movies. You know, the ones where the unknowing but well meaning Northerners somehow get lost in the Deep South... and every negative stereotypical redneck falls out of the sky and ends up terrorizing our Yankee heroes. What would happen if they had a movie about Southerners present day getting lost "Up North"?

And that got me to thinkin', which is always dangerous...

OLD SOUTHERN "YANKEE OUTSIDER" STEREOTYPE ~ Young and idealistic, and not to mention freshly minted Columbia Law School grads, head down South and battle against impossible odds to protect the Civil Rights of oppressed Blacks.

NEW NORTHERN "REDNECK OUTSIDER" STEREOTYPE ~ Young and idealistic, and not to mention freshly minted Clemson Law School grads, head up North and battle against impossible odds to protect the 2d Amendment Rights of oppressed.... well.... everyone.

OLD SOUTHERN COP STEREOTYPE ~ Rod Steiger's character, Police Chief Bill Gillespie in The Heat of the Night, or possibly Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrain from The Dukes of Hazzard. The Southern Cop ranges from a foaming at the mouth rabies infected mad-dog, to a 110% incompetent boob who couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the directions were printed on the heel.

NEW NORTHERN COP STEREOTYPE ~ The oh, so politically correct lawman. Imagine Alan Alda's Hawkeye Pierce from M*A*S*H, but with a badge and a gun. On second thought... scratch the gun. He smugly pontificates really profound things like "if we just understood the reasoning why people commit crime, then we can better deal with it, just so long as we respect them and make a REAL effort to know them as people. Everybody knows that all it takes! Why is the rest of the world so stupid that they can't see that!!?? I weep for everyone else who isn't as smart as me."

OLD SOUTHERN DOCTOR STEREOTYPE ~ This guy would make Torquemada look like Dr. Jonas Salk. This character has a grand total of three teeth; one pointing north, one pointing south, and one in his pocket. That coupled with a thick as 90 weight Southern accent... no one can understand what in the hell he's saying. His medical bag consists of a rusty hacksaw and a bottle of leeches.

NEW NORTHERN DOCTOR STEREOTYPE ~ Arrogant know-it-all. It doesn't matter if he's wrong, don't correct this guy. If he wants to treat a head wound with a tourniquet around the neck... he's "the one that went to Medical School for eight years!!". And to make matters worse, his Bahh-Stun accent makes it impossible for anyone to understand what the hell he's saying. "A hat attack, dis man's had a HAT ATTACK! Don't ya know whud a hat attack is? His hat stopped beating!! Whaddya mean ya don't undah-staaand me? Whud aah ya... wicked retaaaaded?

OLD SOUTHERN JAILER STEREOTYPE ~ VERY old school Strother Martin as The Captain in Cool Hand Luke. "What we have here, is a failure to communicate...". Group beatings are the order of the day.

NEW NORTHERN JAILER STEREOTYPE ~ VERY new school Carson Kressley from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. "What we have here, is a failure to differentiate between crocheting and needlepoint." Group beating-off is the order of the day.

Can anyone think of any others?

2 Comments:

Blogger Hammerbrecher said...

Them sofistimacated yanks will be suprized when at the perly gates and St. Peter pulls up in a pickup and says "ya'll get in the back now, were going up to the big house"

7:59 AM  
Blogger Jay Anderson said...

"Rod Steiger's character, Police Chief Bill Gillespie in The Heat of the Night, or possibly Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrain from The Dukes of Hazzard."

You forgot the quintessentially stereotypical Southern lawman - Buford T. Justice.

12:05 AM  

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home