Saturday, May 20, 2006

North Carolina Adopts The "NASCAR Method"
Hawaii considers the "PPV Option"

Washington, DC (Caveman News Service) - The District Attorney for Wake County, North Carolina, Martin Marineson announced that all executions in his county will now be corporate sponsored. "Hell, it just makes sense. NASCAR's been doing it for years... and them boys got more money than God".

"We're going to have DuPont paint up the place real nice. Lung cancer is the last thing on these boys minds, so Marlboro will provide all the smokes they can choke down. And in keeping with the overall theme of things, a buffet lunch will be provided by Kentucky Fried Chicken".

Convicted murderer, Kurt Fogelman will have his execution sponsored by a number of corporations. While being strapped to the "Hot Wheels" brand electric chair, Fogelman stated "I just want to thank everyone at the Hot Wheels/Pontiac/Good-Year Team for bringing this execution together. Man... there aint no way in hell I coulda done this on my own. It was a real team effort... and I mean that." Ironically, the ever up-beat Fogelman has been described as having 'Wessonality'.

Not all states were as enthusiastic as North Carolina for the NASCAR option. The High Sheriff of Maui County, Hawaii, Peter Deaman recently signed a contract with Time-Warner that all executions would now be on Pay Per View. Convicted cannibal-murderer Ma'afu Kaneaopu'uh, Jr. soon to be known as 'The Fryin' Hawaiian', will be electrocuted until dead Aug. 27 on PPV for only $39.99. The execution is planned on being billed as "The Owie In Maui"

South Seas cannibal Ma'afu "Boy-Boy" Kaneaopu'uh, Jr. (right) and his most recent victim, some "dumb ass hoale boy from da mainland" (left)


Blogger Rick Lugari said...


1:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's good to have you back, VSR. We've missed you.

3:12 PM  
Blogger Brother James said...

A bruddah get tired of plate lunch after a while. Spam and two scoopa rice? Gimme da huli-huli chicken...or we gonna have us a beef.

9:59 PM  

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