Thursday, January 24, 2008

The Heretic Whisperer
Soon coming to basic cable

Those pesky heretics within The Church. Burning them at the stake works wonders... but that's sooooo 16th century. It's time for us to rehabilitate The Church by training the heretics among us.

And how exactly do we go about this? As we are rapidly approaching our second decade of the 21st century, we have to utilize 21st century methods. And that means getting in their heads.

When you go to Mass, dress like you are actually going into God's House... dress like you mean it, not like you're on your way to a beer bust at the beach.

Just your mere appearance in a coat and tie will discombobulate the Minister of Fawning when you first walk in. Bad Minister of Fawning! The Domino Effect will follow. You've just begun to get in their heads. Remember... establish dominance.

Again, if you're at a Novus Ordo Mass, invariably the choir will be practicing all the way up to the start of Mass. Bad Minister of Really Crappy Singing! Obviously, they've forgotten that prior to Mass is the time for contemplative prayer, not for croaking their way through I am the Wonder Bread of Life. Interrupt them by starting a Rosary. Don't worry if anyone get's pissed off at you. You have The Blessed Mother in your corner. Remember... establish dominance.

If you happen to be at a Novus Ordo Mass, kneel for Holy Communion. Nothing pisses off a heretic more than someone actually showing respect for The Eucharist. Bad Minister of the Pretend Priesthood/Poncho Lady! And it intimidates the hell out of 'em, as well. And they now know you mean business. Remember... establish dominance.

If none of the above works, roll up a copy of the Baltimore Catechism and SMACK 'EM HARD! Right on the nose. Bad Heretic! A hardback copy if you can find one. Remember... establish dominance.

Sometimes, the old ways work best. There are those who may accuse you of being a caveman. Don't allow that to distract you. Show the world how up-to-date you can be. Trade in that faithful yet antiquated wooden club for an all-aluminum Louisville Slugger. Remember... establish dominance.


Blogger Paul, just this guy, you know? said...

Sweet Jesus! Are those your real knees! Get some pants on!

It's time for us to rehabilitate The Church by training the heretics among us.

This made me think of "A Few Good Men".

"We're going to keep him on the base, and we're going to train him."

10:22 PM  
Blogger Cookie said...


But I agree, put some pants on. It's freezing out, anyway!

6:50 AM  
Blogger Brian Michael Page said...

Ah yes - a pictorial tutorial by the Caveman himself. You make learning fun. (LMAO!)

10:58 AM  
Blogger Christine said...

LOL...excellent post!

12:28 PM  
Blogger VSO said...

He he he. I volunteer to give a code red. :-)

4:13 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

I think the last picture is my favorite. Looks like you are about to kneecap a liturgical dancer!

4:38 PM  
Blogger Kasia said...

I've got some parishes around here that need the Caveman treatment...want to take your show on the road?

My fiancé and I have agreed never to set foot in my territorial parish again, after the last time. Let's see...everyone walked in at the last minute (OK, it was raining, I can understand running a little late), they had no kneelers (we knelt on the floor), the priest spoke of MLK Jr. and Gandhi as being in Heaven (hm, thought we didn't know where anyone was if they hadn't been canonized!), praised Bp. Gumbleton (that's our archdiocese!), and played Garth Brooks during the homily a la 70s performance art.

Some tasks are just bigger than I am.

7:06 PM  
Blogger ignorant redneck said...



The wooden Lousville slugger is still the measure of orthodoxy in the lay inquisition!

Simmply because, you can bore out the end and fill it with lead, and it's easier to place spikes into the wood!

9:08 PM  
Blogger Fr. Erik Richtsteig said...

"I rehabitate heretics. I train clergy. I am the Heretic Whisperer." (Appologies to Ceasar Milan.)

10:14 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

...any chance on you coming to the Cape Fear deanery for a little house cleaning, Father?

1:11 PM  
Blogger Arkanabar Ilarsadin said...

Kasia, I am certain that the reason Bp. Gumbleton has remained in the Archdiocese of Detroit, under far more orthodox men, is to protect other dioceses from having to suffer from his leadership.

5:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, you know, that the old fashioned antiquated wooden club has an advantage over the new all-aluminum slugger--it leaves behind wooden splinters--the pain can last for hours longer!

10:31 PM  
Blogger Anita Moore said...

Well, no less a luminary than Doctor of the Church St. John Chrysostom said that heretics need to be smitten in the face, and should be made to fear airing their noisome doctrine in public. So there!

12:32 AM  
Blogger Al said...


I can guarentee you several dozen episodes for the show at my parish in DBQ alone. As for the rest of the archdiocese, you'd have a job for life.

Although I think sight of those knees alone would be enough to get half of the people on theirs. Or at least drive them into the Mississippi!

(PS If you do come, no sneaking over to E DBQ to kidnap Fr. Parker.)

As an aside, can't we burn just 1 heritic?, PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!

6:53 AM  
Blogger gemoftheocean said...

Good Lord. I third the carping on the aluminum bat. WHAT IN HADES ARE YOU THINKING?! Aluminum bats are for CHILDREN. Don't be a punch and Judy hitter!

1:17 PM  
Blogger Kit said...


Further to Paul's "A Few Good Men" comment...Caveman, "We WANT you on that wall! We NEED you on that wall!" (Or in that pew, as the case may be...) Let me know if you're ever upstate in Diocese of Rochester territory. I'll keep you and your bat busy. Bring a spare, 'kay?

7:20 PM  
Blogger paramedicgirl said...

Cavey! You got hairy knees! Don't you ever go to Holy Mass with your knees exposed. Promise!!!

12:57 AM  
Blogger Kevin Whiteman said...

I always go to Mass with hairy knees! I just cover them up with my dress trousers.

6:38 AM  
Blogger Kit said...

Okay, Master of the Cave. I can't help myself. It's been over 24 hours since I first cracked up at your "war face" (only a Jarhead can nail that one!) and bat -- so much so that I had to come back for a do-over -- but honestly, one has only to look beyond the scary hairy knees, because your TOES inspire shock and awe! Looks like you could knit or gut a deer with those suckers!

Just thought I'd share. Have a heretic-free Sunday. Wish I could...

-Kit (wife of a Gunny w/20)

10:01 AM  
Blogger Cathy_of_Alex said...

Caveman: Why the weaponry? Your crazed eyes alone are enough!


5:46 PM  
Blogger The Digital Hairshirt said...

Why would I want to come to your church if that's the reception to expect?

8:48 AM  
Blogger Kevin Whiteman said...

Why would I want to come to your church if that's the reception to expect?

Only those who espouse heresy need be concerned.

4:30 PM  
Blogger Hail3N1 said...

We certainly need some of this humor to keep us goin! I should make copies and stick em in their "disposable" hymnals. Might as well keep the humor going while they're there.

1:47 PM  
Blogger Michelle Therese said...

HEY HEY!!! Now I'm going to try and get to Mass early so I can pray a rosary!! I've already changed my wardrobe and now I only wear NICE clothes to Mass and either hats or veils. I can't kneel for comunion because I can't get up - bum leg. (Disabled vet...) Hmmm...I wonder if there's a solution? I can't even kneel at Mass!! I need to find a kneeling cushion. Do they make those any more???

I broke a bead on my rosary but oh well, I'll keep using her till she falls apart! THANKS FOR THE GREAT IDEA!!!!

4:09 PM  

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