The Latin Mass... but with a Southern accent

 

Who's On First?

The Latin Mass version

Today I was thinking about my fay-vo-rite former Southern Baptist, Latin Mass sayin' priest. I got to thinking that he just might have some of his Southern Baptist cousins asking him all about the Traditional Latin Mass.

I would imagine that the conversation between Father P and Bubba (you just know there's got to be a Bubba in there somewhere) might sound like...

Bubba: You know, cousin... I was wondering about that "Latin Mass" that you talk about so much. Mind if I ask you a few questions?

Father P: Go right ahead, Bubba.

Bubba Ray: Is it true that you ask folks in heaven to pray for you?

Father P: Sure do.

Bubba: What part?

Father P: Gloria.

Bubba: Who?

Father P: Gloria.

Bubba: No, I mean the part when you talk to the folks in heaven.

Father P: Gloria.

Bubba: I don't know no girl name a Gloria.

Father P: No. I'm telling you that when we ask the Saints in heaven to pray for us, that's the Gloria.

Bubba: Gloria who?

Father P: *Sigh* We'll talk about that later. Is there anything else you wanted to ask me?

Bubba: Matter of fact, I do. Just exactly when do you start speaking to The Lord Hisself?

Father P: Christe Elesion.

Bubba: Christy who?

Father P: No, not Christy... CHRISTE!

Bubba: Christy who?

Father P: No, no, no!! Not Christy... CHRISTE!

Bubba: I don't know no girl named Christy. But I know the family... the Ellisons. Ain't we kin to them on gran-momma's side? Didn't they use to live o'er by the Piggly-Wiggly?

Father P: You're not listening, Bubba. Christe Elesion is Greek for...

Bubba: (Interrupting) Stop, stop, stop.... the only Greeks I knowd is when I got throwd in jail in Athens, Georgia. And why you keep tellin' me all 'bout these people I don't know?

Father P: No Bubba, I'm trying to tell you about the Mass. Like when we ask The Lord God to accept out sacrifices;

Bubba: An' what's that part called?

Father P: Hanc Igitur.

Bubba: AGAIN YOU TELLIN' ME 'BOUT PEOPLE I DON'T EVEN KNOWED! I don't know no Hank, and I sho' don't know no Iggyture family. Are they Greeks, too?

Father P: *Sigh* We're getting nowhere fast, Bubba.

Bubba: No, don't quit on me yet, cousin. Can you tell me about all them doo-dads you got up there with ya?

Father P: Sure! Well, there's the candlesticks, the chalice, the burse, the...

Bubba: (Interrupting) Whoa, cuz. You got a ladies carry-all up there with ya?

Father P: What in the world are you talking about, Bubba?

Bubba: You said you got somethin' called a burse. Remember Aunt Tootie, the one with the hairlip? Buckshot's momma. She use to call it a "burse" too. Then again, she also say "bocketbook".

Father P: No, Bubba! That's not what I meant at all! You're totally confusing things with.... oh, forget it.

Bubba: Don't lose patience with me yet. I just want to know when your service is over.

Father P: I tell the Faithful "Ite, missa est."

Bubba: Eat a mess a what?

Father P: No. Ite, missa est.

Bubba: Eat a mess a what?

Father P: ITE, MISSA EST!!!

Bubba: EAT A MESS A WHAT!!?? A whole mess o' fried catfish, BBQ, snap beans and cornbread? I ain't never did hear of food called "est"? Is that some kinda Catholic food?

Father P: Cousin, I think this conversation is about over.

Bubba: Can I ask just one last question?

Father P: (exasperated) Why not.

Bubba: Is there any part of your service where you ask God to forgive you of your sins?

Father P: Absolutely. During the Confiteor Dei.

Bubba: During Confederate Day!? Hell, that's the only thing you've said that's made any sense all day! But someone needs to ask God Almighty to forgive them damn Yankees for invading America. Ah'm startin' to like all this Catholic stuff.