Saturday, June 06, 2009

BREAKING NEWS! Obama's D-Day Memorial Speech
From The Caveman News Service
Dear President and Mrs. Sarkozy, Laetitia Casta, Alicia Schüll, and other esteemed French thong models - in the words and spirit of Marshal Pétain: "J'ai collaboré et l'ai aimé!" [Loud applause from the throng of thong models]

To Her Britannic Majesty Queen Elizabeth II... is she here? [Looking around] Granny Liz, Mum Betty, Nana Libby?? Anyone seen the old girl? Wha... never invited? [Nervous laughter]

[Ad libbed] Sheesh, fail to bow to one monarch! [Uproarious laughter]

And to all the men and women who landed here at Omaha Beach, including my uncle who also parachuted into Gettysburg with the 371st Mess Kit Repair Battalion to free the Jews from Pharaoh, I'm reminded of the words from The Holy Qur'an;

It was twenty years ago today,
Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play
They've been going in and out of style
But they're guaranteed to raise a smile.

True then... true now. And even though this war was not of our choosing, the world came together following the 1941 sneak attack on Pearl Bailey, ummm, but then we got sidetracked by Iraq, ahhh... I mean Germany. [Confused look among crowd, polite applause]

In addition to President Sarkozy, Prime Ministers Brown and Harper… sorry, the… I just noticed that I jumped the gun here. Ummm... Go ahead and move it up. I’d already, ahhhh – I’d already introduced all you
guys. Move it up. Go ahead. In America, there is a failure to ahhh appreciate Europe's unique brand of National Socialism's leading role in the world. Ummm... ahhhh – I’d already introduced all you guys. Uh, uh, uh, go ahead and move it up. [Lengthy pause] And I'm closing Guantanamo Bay. [Thunderous applause]

So in spite of America's arrogance, dismissive, even derisive attitudes towards its allies, let me correct the mistakes of the Bush Administration prior to the Normandy Landings. America's participation in WWII was no greater than Mexico's, South Africa's or Brazil's. And thanks to the French military leadership this day 65 years ago today, in spite of our shortcomings, American troops were eventually victorious. And I'm closing Guantanamo Bay. [Raucous applause mixed in with numerous "Oui, Oui's!"]

As I've recently said in my visit to ahhh... the Sultan Hassan mosque in Cairo, in the words of my role model, who by the way was also great friends with the former Grand Mufti of Jerusalem, "Wenn das Judenblut vom Messer spritzt - Dann geht's nochmal so gut! Ein Voelkerbund gegen Juda, erwache - Juda verrecke!" And I'm closing Guantanamo Bay. [Raucous applause mixed in with numerous "Sieg Heil's!"]

Thank you, and may the God you believe in bless you, or if you don't believe in God, may nothing bless you. [Polite applause]


...AND I'M CLOSING GUANTANAMO BAY! [even greater thunderous applause to include reported tinglings up various legs]


Blogger Joe of St. Thérèse said...

LOL!, hilarious,

10:33 AM  
Blogger Former Altar Boy said...

I was waiting for the "blame Bush" reference and you did not disappoint! So true.

5:06 PM  
Blogger Al said...

I'll take your speech over the real 1 any day. The 1 line that was most grating (of many) was when he said: "But whatever God we prayed to, whatever our differences, we knew that the evil we faced had to be stopped.'

Whatever God???? WHATEVER GOD??????????

So when he ended with "May God Bless you, and may God Bless the memory of all those who rest here." which God was he asking to do so. Or was he merely invoking himself?

12:20 AM  
Blogger The Heresy Hunter said...

A classic Caveman zinger.
Grand slam home run.

1:23 AM  
Blogger LarryD said...

This was too much! Thanks for the laughs!!

10:30 AM  

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