Wednesday, July 16, 2008

A Blast From The Past
It's been a slow news day

Origionally posted in August, 2006
Reverse Discrimination. Geographic, That Is (Updated)
Apologies to all my Northern friends!

WARNING! Crude humor alert!!

We've all seen those movies. You know, the ones where the unknowing but well meaning Northerners somehow get lost in the Deep South... and every negative stereotypical redneck falls out of the sky and ends up terrorizing our Yankee heroes. What would happen if they had a movie about Southerners present day getting lost "Up North"?

And that got me to thinkin', which is always dangerous...

OLD SOUTHERN "YANKEE OUTSIDER" STEREOTYPE ~ Young and idealistic, and not to mention freshly minted Columbia Law School grads, head down South and battle against impossible odds to protect the Civil Rights of oppressed Blacks.

NEW NORTHERN "REDNECK OUTSIDER" STEREOTYPE ~ Young and idealistic, and not to mention freshly minted Clemson Law School grads, head up North and battle against impossible odds to protect the 2d Amendment Rights of oppressed.... well.... everyone.

OLD SOUTHERN COP STEREOTYPE ~ Rod Steiger's character, Police Chief Bill Gillespie in The Heat of the Night, or possibly Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrain from The Dukes of Hazzard. The Southern Cop ranges from a foaming at the mouth rabies infected mad-dog, to a 110% incompetent boob who couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the directions were printed on the heel.

NEW NORTHERN COP STEREOTYPE ~ The oh, so politically correct lawman. Imagine Alan Alda's Hawkeye Pierce from M*A*S*H, but with a badge and a gun. On second thought... scratch the gun. He smugly pontificates really profound things like "if we just understood the reasoning why people commit crime, then we can better deal with it, just so long as we respect them and make a REAL effort to know them as people. Everybody knows that all it takes! Why is the rest of the world so stupid that they can't see that!!?? I weep for everyone else who isn't as smart as me."

OLD SOUTHERN DOCTOR STEREOTYPE ~ This guy would make Torquemada look like Dr. Jonas Salk. This character has a grand total of three teeth: one pointing north, one pointing south, and one in his pocket. That coupled with a thick as 90 weight Southern accent... no one can understand what in the hell he's saying. His medical bag consists of a rusty hacksaw and a bottle of leeches.

NEW NORTHERN DOCTOR STEREOTYPE ~ Arrogant know-it-all. It doesn't matter if he's wrong, don't correct this guy. If he wants to treat a head wound with a tourniquet around the neck... he's "the one that went to Medical School for eight years!!". And to make matters worse, his Bahh-Stun accent makes it impossible for anyone to understand what the hell he's saying. "A hat attack, dis man's had a HAT ATTACK! Don't ya know whud a hat attack is? His hat stopped beatin'!! Whaddya mean ya don't undah-staaand me? Whud aah ya... wicked retaaaaded?

OLD SOUTHERN JAILER STEREOTYPE ~ VERY old school Strother Martin as The Captain in Cool Hand Luke. "What we have here, is a failure to communicate...". Mass abuse is the order of the day.

NEW NORTHERN JAILER STEREOTYPE ~ VERY new school anyone on the University of San Francisco staff. "What we have here, is a failure to differentiate between 'gay' and 'queer'" Mass self-abuse is the order of the day.

Can anyone think of any others?


Blogger ignorant redneck said...

Old School Southern Poor--works like a dog to put the greens and grits on the table, being too proud to ask for a hand out.

New School Northern Poor--calling it at every chruch see who give away grocieries and car seats, in their 2007 car.

4:53 PM  
Blogger JACK said...

OK guys it's pronounced "HAAHHHH Attack" and Whadda (one word) wicked retaahhhed?" It's hard (Haaahhhd) enough getting someone around here to talk normal, with all the colleges importing foreign kids from New York and Ohio and such, without seeing bad in print!

9:05 PM  
Blogger Hail3N1 said...

Old Southern Geezer...who while driving his car has to take a crap, he pulls over the side of the road, bends over, bares it all and leaves a picnic for the flies.
Old Northern Geezer...pulls off to the nearest restroom, hoping he makes it before it's too late.

12:57 PM  
Blogger Vir Speluncae Orthodoxae said...

No offense taken from this Northern boy. Since I'm going through bankruptcy I've been taking stuff from the "Free" box at Church too, but I drove an 84 up until 5 months ago. Now I drive a...94.

2:17 PM  

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