Norv S. Hordo Calls 911
Scandal, heresy and error rationalized in 30 minutes, or your next act of apostasy is free

*Rrrrring... rrrrring*

Dispatcher: "Spirit of Vatican II Hot Line. What's the nature of your emergency?"

Caller: "Oh, God!! *Sniffle, sniffle* I still can't believe this has happened to me!! *pant, pant* Why ME!? (inaudible) *Gasp, gasp* WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!!?? *Blowing nose*"

Dispatcher: "Calm down, Ma'am. Try to collect your thoughts and regain your compos..."

Caller: "Did you just call me Ma'am?"

Dispatcher: "Well... yes I did."

Caller: "I'm a guy."

Dispatcher: "Oh... sorry. But what's the nature of your emergency?"

Caller: "Well, I'm down here in North Carolina, and..."

Dispatcher: "Sir, simply being in North Carolina doesn't constitute a OTC emergency."

Caller: "OTC?"

Dispatcher: "Overtly Traditional Catholic."

Caller: "No, no, no... there's more to it than that!"

Dispatcher: "Go on..."

Caller: "Well, I popped into community worship space in some little town right off of I-95."

Dispatcher: "Go on..."

Caller: "Well, being a Charismatic Catholic, when I heard the Presider speaking on a language I've never heard before, I figured he was speaking in tongues. And then it dawned on me... *sniffle, whimper, GAAK!!"

Dispatcher: "Go on, sir. Take your time... be strong."

Caller: "He... he... he... HE WAS SPEAKING IN LATIN!! *Bwaaaaa!*"

Dispatcher: "I see. Anything else to report?"

Caller: "Oh, yes. During the homily, he talked about sin and hell!"

Dispatcher: "Anything you felt was directed at you personally?"

Caller: "Absolutely. This guy said that I could end up in hell!! ME! Can you believe that!?"

Dispatcher: "Interesting. Anything else, sir?"

Caller: "Well, yes. Not once, NOT ONCE, did anyone hold my hand."

Dispatcher: "I think that's all the information we need. I can have a SO-Va-TAT there within the next thirty minutes."

Caller: "SO-Va-TAT?"

Dispatcher: "Yes, sir. A Spirit Of Vatican II Assault Team."

Caller: "And what exactly is that?"

Dispatcher: "Four lesbian nuns, three San Francisco gays, and a Jesuit."

Caller: "Don't you mean ex-nuns?"

Dispatcher: "No, sir."

Caller: "How progressive. But anyhow, will this team actually stop this rad-trad priest and the rest of his Latin Mass dinosaurs from dragging the rest of us back to the Middle Ages?"

Dispatcher: "If by 'stop' you mean scheduling centering prayer sessions, enneagram seminars and labyrinth workshops, then yes... we'll stop him."

Caller: "Anything more substantive?"

Dispatcher: "We can always dialogue him to death."

Caller: "I'm so there. "

Dispatcher: "Alright then, sir. I love you..."

Caller: "You love me..."

Both: "We're a great big fa-mi-ly."