John Kerry Two-Timed Me!!
Charleston, SC - A tearful John Edwards broke down today at a press conference during a campaign swing through South Carolina.

Speaking before the South Carolina Gay Coalition, Edwards admitted to both people in attendance that his paramour from the 2004 run had abandoned him for current Democratic Flava of the Moment, Barack Obama.

"It's obvious that Johnny has what they call "Jungle Fever". It must have been something he picked up from hanging out with that Silly-Billy Clinton," stated an obviously heartbroken Edwards.

Edwards went on to lament, "Snuggle-Bunny, that's what I call Johnny, meant so much to me. How could he do this to me after all that was said... all that was promised? The Ticket wasn't the only place I was at the bottom of."

Edwards broke down and confessed, "my heart isn't the only thing that's broken.... and still bleeding."

Ex-Presidential hopeful, John Kerry was contacted at the Obama 2008 Headquarters for comment. According to Kerry, "Edwards needs to quit acting like such a little bitch. He knew it was only a temporary thing. Sex... that's all it was. That's all it ever was."

"I've learned to move on, so should Edwards," hissed Kerry through clenched teeth. "Barack and I are happy together. Why can't Edwards be happy for us?"

In a reportedly unrelated story, a caught by surprise and decidedly paternally-looking Senator Kerry adamantly stated "I am not Barack's baby's daddy!"