A Modest Proposal
With apologies to J. Swift

A Modest Proposal for preventing the Traditional Latin Mass priests from becoming even more of a burden towards the progressive-minded within The Catholic Church, and for making them beneficial to the publick.
by Vir Speluncae Catholicus. 2007

It is a melancholy object to those, who walk through this land when they see a growing number of Catholic churches crowded with parishioners, followed by three, four, or six children, all in their Sunday best, and giving what money they can to propagate this malady, this thing called Traditional Catholicism. These parents, instead of instructing their children on the primacy of Peace & Social Justice over attaining salvation by pleasing and serving God, are forced to employ all their time indoctrinating their children with antiquated notions such as Transubstantiation, obedience and self-sacrifice, and as they grow up, either turn Traddy for desire of salvation, or leave their dear native homes, to become priests or religious within the damnable Traddy movement.

I think it is agreed by all parties, that this ever growing number of Trad-Priests at the Chanceries, Rectories and Seminaries, is in the present deplorable state of The Church, a very great additional grievance; and therefore whoever could find out a fair, cheap and easy method of making these Trad-Priests sound and useful members of the common-wealth, would deserve so well of the publick, as to have his statue set up for a preserver of The Church.

But my intention is very far from being confined to provide the yoke of clerical opression be lifted from ignorant parishioners at said Rad-Trad parishes: it is of a much greater extent, and shall take in the whole number of Trad-Priests, who are most desirous of instilling in our people the superstitious notion of The Real Presence.

I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.

I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy Trad-Priest well fed, is, at twenty five year old, a most delicious nourishing and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricasie, or a ragoust. I can think of no better way to diminish the carbon-footprint caused by sinful man against Mother Earth. And therefore it will have one other collateral advantage, by lessening the number of our most dangerous enemies, the medieval-mindset throwbacks amongst us.

I do therefore humbly offer it to publick consideration, that of the thousands of Trad-Priests, already computed,one hundred may be reserved for breeding via embryonic stem-cell cloning, and my reason is, that this will be the ultimate test of their adherence to their vow of obedience. That the remaining number may be offered in sale to the persons of quality and fortune, always advising the Overseeing Womyn-Priests to let them eat plentifully in the last month, so as to render them plump and fat for a good table.

A Trad-Priest will make two dishes at an entertainment for friends, and when the family dines alone, the fore or hind quarter will make a reasonable dish, and seasoned with a little pepper or salt will be very good boiled on the fourth day, especially in winter.

Those who are more thrifty (as I must confess the times require) may flea the carcass; the skin of which, artificially dressed,will make admirable gloves for ladies, and summer boots for fine gentlemen.

As to our own cities, butchers we may be assured will not be wanting; although I rather recommend buying the Trad-Priests alive, and dressing them hot from the knife, as we do roasting pigs.

I am assured by our merchants, that a Trad-Priest after forty years of age, is no saleable commodity, and even when they come to this age, they will not yield above twenty cents per pound on the exchange, and those of such advanced age and infirmed, such as those with bad backs, worth even less; whereas a young Trad-Priest fresh out of seminary can fetch as high as ten dollars a pound.

I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavouring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my Church, by advancing Social Justice, financially providing for Maryknollers and Jesuits, relieving the pious of hope, and giving some pleasure to the Progressive.

The End