Who's On First?
The Latin Mass version

For those of you unfamiliar with this particular comedy classic, click here.

But anyhow, today I was thinking about my fay-vo-rite former Southern Baptist, Latin Mass sayin' priest. I got to thinking that he just might have some of his Southern Baptist cousins asking him all about the Traditional Latin Mass.

I would imagine that the conversation between Father P and Bubba ( you just know there's got to be a Bubba in there somewhere) might sound like...

Bubba: You know, cousin... I was wondering about that "Latin Mass" that you talk about so much. Mind if I ask you a few questions?

Father P: Go right ahead, Bubba.

Bubba Ray: Is it true that you ask folks in heaven to pray for you?

Father P: Sure do.

Bubba: What part?

Father P: Gloria.

Bubba: Who?

Father P: Gloria.

Bubba: No, I mean the part when you talk to the folks in heaven.

Father P: Gloria.

Bubba: I don't know no girl named Gloria.

Father P: No. I'm telling you that when we ask the Saints in heaven to pray for us, that's the Gloria.

Bubba: Gloria who?

Father P: *Sigh* We'll talk about that later. Is there anything else you wanted to ask me?

Bubba: Matter of fact, I do. Just exactly when do you start speaking to The Lord Himself?

Father P: Christe Elesion.

Bubba: Christy who?

Father P: No, not Christy... CHRISTE!

Bubba: Christy who?

Father P: No, no, no!! Not Christy... CHRISTE!

Bubba: I don't know no girl named Christy. But I know the family... the Ellisons. Ain't we kin to them on your momma's side? Didn't they use to live o'er by the Piggly-Wiggly?

Father P: You're not listening, Bubba. Christe Elesion is Greek for...

Bubba: (Interrupting) Stop, stop, stop.... the only Greeks I knowd is when I got throwd in jail in Athens, Georgia. And why you keep tellin' me all 'bout these people I don't know?

Father P: No Bubba, I'm trying to tell you about the Mass. Like when we ask The Lord God to accept out sacrifices;

Bubba: An' what's that part called?

Father P: Hanc Igitur.

Bubba: AGAIN YOU TELLIN' ME 'BOUT PEOPLE I DON'T EVEN KNOW! I don't know no Hank, and I sho' don't know no Iggyture family! Are they Greeks, too?

Father P: *Sigh* We're getting nowhere fast, Bubba.

Bubba: No, don't quit on me yet, cousin. Can you tell me about all them doo-dads you got up there with ya?

Father P: Sure! Well, there's the candlesticks, the chalice, the burse, the...

Bubba: (Interrupting) Whoa, cuz. You got a ladies carry-all up there with ya?

Father P: What in the world are you talking about, Bubba?

Bubba: You said you got somethin' called a burse. Remember Aunt Tootie, the one with the hairlip? Buckshot's momma. She use to call it a "burse" too. Then again, she also say "bocketbook".

Father P: No, Bubba! That's not what I meant at all! You're totally confusing things wit.... oh, forget it.

Bubba: Don't lose patience with me yet. I just want to know when your service is over.

Father P: I tell the congregation "Ite, missa est."

Bubba: Eat a mess a what?

Father P: No. Ite, missa est.

Bubba: Eat a mess a what?

Father P: ITE, MISSA EST!!!

Bubba: EAT A MESS A WHAT!!?? A whole mess a fried catfish, BBQ, snap beans and cornbread? I ain't never did hear of food called "est"? Is that some kinda Catholic food?

Father P: Cousin, I think this conversation is about over.

Bubba: Can I ask just one last question?

Father P: (exasperated) Why not!!

Bubba: Is there any part of your service where you ask God to forgive you of your sins?

Father P: Absolutely. During the Confiteor Dei.

Bubba: During Confederate Day!!?? That's the only thing you've said that's made any sense yet!!